When I first started exploring Christ I was around 9 years old and in 4th grade. Before that, my family never really talked about God and my mom emphasized that you did not need to go to church every Sunday to be a good person. She always said your church can be your home and you believe whatever makes your heart happy. It was our first Easter in our new house in Texas. My mom grew up with a Baptist influence. My dad grew up with a Catholic influence. So that Easter I got my first pink Precious Moments Bible and went to church. There was singing and talking and all I could think about was eating ham and stuffing when I got home. I went a few times here and there but never really committed.
During my early teens/teenage years I went through a lot that veered me away from having a relationship with God. I would go to Elevate Life (Celebration Covenant back then) on and off. My dad went on leave a lot after September 11th & finally got back to TX around my senior year in highschool, my parents weren't faithful to each other & fought a lot about money so after trying to work things out they eventually split up, and sometimes I would get picked on, because I didn't focus on my appearance or couldn't afford nice things and getting caught up in the scene of materialism or having the best of the best. So from 5th grade until 10th grade, I was in a different place. There's a lot that went on between that time, but it happened. I am not ashamed of any part of my past because it made me who I am :)
Being young, I float a lot on my faith & I am not always 100% about Him and that's okay because I know He loves me unconditionally. Am I going to shove the word down your throat? No absolutely not. You believe what you want and I believe what I want. Neither of us are wrong or right. It actually makes me really upset when I see other "Christians" bashing everyone else for living the way they want to. Um...we all gotta learn someway and at the end of the day you know how you feel about your choices, not anyone else...so wave BYE and keep living! Ignore ignorance and trust in yourself and if you're having a hard time trusting in yourself, TRY trusting in something bigger..like God! Sometimes I don't even know what I believe and that makes me human. I believe that I am a genuine person. That I love with my all and I focus on being the best version of myself, even when I fall a little short. At times I believe it's because I did all the work and am the I am because it was all me and at other times I give God a little bit more credit. I always say my religion is kindness. I believe in good things and kind people and (finally... I can say this without feeling bad), that there is only One person who created those good things and kind people.
So this one time around September, I served this gentleman and his pregnant wife. He was super picky and driving me nuts with his requests but I treated him as best as I treated any guest that dines with me. At one point during the dinner, after catering to all his needs, he grabbed my hand, introduced himself and his wife to me and told me that I had God shining through me and he could tell I was a genuinely good person. I always knew that I strive to be that type of person but I never realized what that meant for God. And to be quite honest I wasn't even close to Him when this stranger was telling me how much they saw God in every bit of my being. That really confused me because here I am, on the fence about my Faith, not being 100% about God, but someone I don't even know is telling me they see Him in me. I wanted to reply, "Oh I'm just the way I am because I choose to be, not because God made me this way", but I didn't want to offend the kind man and to be completely transparent and human...take the chance of ruining my tip so I shook my head and said thank you.
That moment stuck with me and I recently looked back on something I wrote a few months before meeting these people that eventually became regulars.
I wrote this in July after moving out of that apt and the breakup I went through last year.
1. I am happier when I feel closer to God
2. Being away from the things that have distracted me from building a better relationship with Him have shown me that. Especially during my time in Florida.
3. I need to give Him more credit for my life, the way that I am, and the successes I have accomplished and will accomplish in the future.
I haven't had the best two weeks. Financially I've been struggling. Emotionally I haven't felt the best. And mentally I keep trying to push myself. Finally I started to pray again. Like actually pray. Whether it be thanking God for waking me up or asking Him to show me what I need to do to feel better about all the stress I (think) I have. I decided I wasn't going to hide anymore. I want people to know I believe in God and that HIS plan is greater than mine. God already has plans for you, yet you worry and worry that you're not going to make ends meet or do what you were made to do. All you have to do is ask and He has your answer. It may not be the answer you want to hear, but He answers regardless. When God says YES it's because the timing is perfect and it is an investment in your future, in the plan He has for you. When God says NO, he is trying to keep you on the right path. Same way your parents say yes and no. If you always got yes yes yes, you're in for a rude awakening when you get your no. But the no's are what humbles you and helps you appreciate the yeses! Kind of like when you're told to eat your veggies so you can have a scoop of ice cream. Do what you gotta do now, to get your yes moment later.
I thought this would be harder for me to write, but it came out like word vomit lol. I did not grow up in a "Christian" home. My dad just recently started his relationship with God a few years ago. My mom believes you die and that's it. And my brother is either agnostic or atheist, I'm not too sure because the point is I could care less what they all believe. Do I want us all to be together one day when we die? Yes absolutely. But I love them all the same regardless and soak up as much life as I can with them because they're still good people who love me unconditionally too. I don't judge them one bit. Just like I don't judge anyone else for their beliefs and I don't even KNOW a vast majority of anyone who reads this. Honestly, all that matters is just being a good person and letting the pieces fall into place. But having faith in His plan is the best cushion I could ever have and knowing that I'll always be okay is why I choose to believe and be proud of it!
I hope everyone took something from that LONG post. Have a great rest of your Sunday and a beautiful week :)
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